An Open Letter to Justin Bieber About Hedge Fund Ads

by Kyle Woodley | July 12, 2013 8:12 am

An Open Letter to Justin Bieber About Hedge Fund Ads

Dearest Biebs,

Following a year in which you have been banned from indoor skydiving in Vegas[1], let some anti-Clinton rhetoric fly while pissing in a bucket[2], and drove so poorly that it spurred a former NFL star into action[3] … well, I worry that your knack for poor decision-making might soon put your $110 million[4] at serious risk.

I’m sure by now you’re used to many members of your entourage telling you how to spend your money — cars, drugs, nightlights. In fact, at this point, I’m sure you’ve heard your share of pitches promising a “big business opportunity” — all you have to do is start ‘em off with a [large number here] loan. But if I had to guess, you’ve at least figured out by now that just because Lil Twist puts a suit on, he doesn’t actually mean business.

But soon, Biebs, you’re going to be set upon by a whole new class of swindler.

That’s because hedge funds — to keep it simple for you, it’s a bunch of guys who want your money and swear to give it back and more — just got the green light from the SEC to advertise for the first time in a long time. Since, like, phones were attached to walls!

So, let’s say you’re backstage watching TV, making fans wait another hour before you put on a half-show. You might see some businessman explain how, for a fee, he can invest your money and make it grow, grow, grow … but he’s full of lies, lies, lies! Think about this:

Of course, if these numbers are hurting your head, just check out #hedgefundslogans[7] on Twitter. These guys are getting ripped to shreds!

The one thing you might have in your favor is that these hedge funds can only take money from the really-rich, anyway, so maybe they won’t try to dig their claws into you when you pick up Us Weekly.

But I wanted to give you the heads up just in case — because you’re cool with Usher, and that makes you cool with me.

Sincerely,
Ky-Ky

Kyle Woodley is the Deputy Managing Editor of InvestorPlace and thinks if you’re dumb enough to invest in a hedge fund because of an ad, you’re just letting financial Darwinism do its thing … and that’s OK.

Endnotes:
  1. banned from indoor skydiving in Vegas: http://www.lasvegasweekly.com/news/2013/jun/26/brief-justin-bieber-causes-some-trouble-las-vegas-/
  2. while pissing in a bucket: http://www.newnownext.com/urine-trouble-justin-bieber-takes-piss-break-in-bucket-tour-de-france-bicyclist-gets-doused-with-pee-pee/07/2013/
  3. spurred a former NFL star into action: http://www.entertainmentwise.com/news/116146/Hes-Very-Livid-Over-Reckless-Driving-Justin-Bieber-At-War-With-NFL-Star-Keyshawn-Johnson
  4. $110 million: http://www.celebritynetworth.com/richest-celebrities/singers/justin-bieber-net-worth/
  5. 88% of hedge funds didn’t do as well as the S&P 500: http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2013-01-05/88-hedge-funds-65-mutual-funds-underperform-market-2012
  6. hedge funds had performed 10 percentage points worse than the S&P 500: http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2013-07-11/why-hedge-funds-glory-days-may-be-gone-for-good
  7. #hedgefundslogans: https://twitter.com/search?q=hedgefundslogans&src=typd

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