Remember in that silly movie The Social Network when Sean asks Eduardo “‘you know what’s cool?” and he answered his own question with “$1 billion?”
You know what’s really cool? Me, Facebook (NASDAQ:FB). Or Mr. $104 billion to you, Diary.
Seriously, I rock. Really. Where should I start?
For God’s sake, they made a movie with me as the star. Sure, Mark runs the show, but really, it’s all about me, and just how cool I am. Everyone wants to write on my walls. Nearly 1 billion users can’t be wrong.
Sure I’ve heard the rumors that some people — OK, maybe a lot of people — are upset or concerned about privacy issues, but why wouldn’t you want every last ounce of personal information careening around the ether to Google (NASDAQ:GOOG) or Yelp (NYSE:YELP) pages? Cool, right? Anyone who doesn’t think so is just old.
You know what was really great? Ripping those fools at Morgan Stanley (NYSE:MS) a new one by telling them a 1.1% fee for my underwriting was like, you know, doing them a favor. Seriously, they bought it hook, line and panic-buying sinker. And everyone on the Street would’ve done the same, too.
Don’t tell anyone about this one, but you know why I bought Instagram for $1 billion? Because I could, that’s why. Sure, sepia-toned pictures are great, and sure, maybe I wanted to get out ahead of the curve, but as someone said in a movie, “in the scheme of things, it’s a speeding ticket.”
Besides, who’s going to tell me “no”? Mark owns 57% of the company, so what are we talking about here? Permission? C’mon. We run the show. Everyone else just hopes we know what we’re doing.
Hey, fun idea: Since General Motors (NYSE:GM) decided to get out of the advertising train here, why doesn’t Akerson call my little brothers? Their businesses aren’t any sillier than mine. And I’m sure that’ll get ’em a lot more eyes.
What is with GM anyway? Doesn’t everybody click like crazy on my right-side rail? My data mines are running 24/7 giving them the best deals and information based on what they “like.” I mean, you “like” Joe’s Pizza Palace, so why wouldn’t you be interested in pizza coupons and recipes? And now they can see that “like” when they Google “pizza restaurants,” too!
Surely nobody will ever find that either annoying or a waste of corporate monies. Besides, I … actually, hold on a sec, Diary. I need to refresh my Google Finance page.
WHAT? Down 25% in three days? How is that possible?
No. Don’t panic, Facebook. I am cool. I am relentless. I am the king of the world.
… OK, Maybe I am a little overpriced.
Let’s talk more about this tomorrow, Diary. TTFN.
Marc Bastow is an Assistant Editor at InvestorPlace.com. As of this writing, he did not hold a position in any of the aforementioned securities.