3 Cheap, Recession-Busting Stocks to Buy Now
-
By ‘Thomas Paine’ (aka OptionsZone Contributing Editor Jim Woods)
Cash for Clunkers; you’ve got to admit it’s a catchy phrase replete with alliterative genius. The creativity here is especially surprising, given that the name was likely concocted by a government bureaucrat. I guess it’s not surprising that any government program with the word “cash” in it is going to draw some attention. I mean, who doesn’t want to get some cash back from the government?
Those of us in the top 20% of wage earners pay more than 80% of all federal income taxes, so it’s no surprise that we want our refunds. Of course, those in the lower income brackets also want their piece of the government’s pie, and hence the “success” of the Cash for Clunkers program.
3 Cheap, Recession-Busting Stocks to Buy Now
-
Cash for Satire
So, in honor of this paragon of government generosity, I propose that we extend the “Cash for” program to a few other sectors of the economy. I mean, why should the auto industry be the only one to benefit?
After all, if giving cash away for broken-down cars works, why can’t we apply that same logic to just about anything? So, without further ado, let’s take a look at a few industries that could use a little government stimulus.
WARNING: Readers lacking a sense of satire may want to proceed with caution through the following pages.
3 Cheap, Recession-Busting Stocks to Buy Now
-
Cash for Smartphones
Tired of your old cell phone? Hey, who isn’t? After all, every American has the right to own a fancy 3G network smartphone, so why not start a program called Cash for Smartphones?
Here’s how it works: You bring in your old cell phone, and the feds will give you some cash toward the purchase of a new smartphone from either Research
In Motion (RIMM), Palm (PALM) or Apple (AAPL).
Then everyone can be connected to everyone at anytime via their newfangled devices.I mean, isn’t being connected to each other with the latest technology an essential part of the American experience? I certainly think so, so let’s tap the tax till and get the citizenry connected.
3 Cheap, Recession-Busting Stocks to Buy Now
-
Cash for Operating Systems
Disappointed with Microsoft’s (MSFT) Vista? Got some old Linux code banging around on your computer, or are you still dealing with Apple’s (AAPL) OSX? Well, there’s no need for that. The new Cash for Operating Systems program can solve your problems.
All you have to do is log on to a special government-run website that will identify your computer’s current operating system. If your OS qualifies, the government will send you a rebate so you can upgrade to the latest iteration from whatever software maker you prefer. With the Cash for Operating Systems program, you’ll never again be forced to deal with those pesky Vista crashes.
3 Cheap, Recession-Busting Stocks to Buy Now
-
Cash for Golf Clubs
Any duffer out there knows that you can always blame that bogie on your clubs. Yes, there’s a lot of angst amongst the weekend golfer set, but there really doesn’t have to be. With the new Cash for Golf Clubs program, you can get some government money for a brand-new set of high-end Callaway Golf (ELY) clubs.
Let’s face it, there’s nothing worse for a person’s self-esteem than shooting a poor round, so in an effort to make sure all golfers feel better about themselves, the full faith and credit of the federal government must be brought to bear.
3 Cheap, Recession-Busting Stocks to Buy Now
-
Cash for Cameras
Is your photographic equipment outdated? Are you taking pictures with a device that only captures up to 5 megapixels? If so, then you need the new Cash for Cameras program.
Just take your old, low-resolution digital — or, god forbid, print — camera, and return it for a cash voucher good for the purchase of a new, high-end digital camera. Not only will this benefit you, but it will be great for companies like Canon (CAJ), Eastman Kodak (EK) and Sony (SNE).
Hey, we all have a right as Americans to capture those precious moments for all time, and the Cash for Cameras program lets you do that in full megapixel glory.
3 Cheap, Recession-Busting Stocks to Buy Now
-
Cash for Pets
Let’s face it, there comes a time when all of our pets get a little long in the tooth. As they age, they just aren’t as playful as they used to be. But you don’t have to put up with your pet getting older. Thanks to the Cash for Pets program, you can turn in your old furry friend and get a cash voucher good toward the purchase of a new best friend.
This program will not only bring you a lot of joy, but it will also help companies like Petco (PETC) and PetSmart (PETM).
3 Cheap, Recession-Busting Stocks to Buy Now
-
Cash for Houses
Is your property worth considerably less than it was during the height of the real estate boom? If your home qualifies, you can turn it in for cash toward the purchase of a new home in the Cash for Houses program.
This program will be the easiest for the feds to operate, as they’ve already proven so adept at managing home lending agencies Freddie Mac (FRE) and Fannie Mae (FNM). Of course, this program won’t just help underwater homeowners. It will also help homebuilders like Hovnanian Enterprises (HOV) and Toll Brothers (TOL).
I ask you, what is more representative of the American dream than home ownership? The answer is nothing, and that is why the Cash for Houses program is so critical.
3 Cheap, Recession-Busting Stocks to Buy Now
-
Cash for Caterpillars
Farmers, heavy construction firms and builders, you’re in luck. If you’re tooling around in an old earth mover, or driving around in an aging dump truck, you need to take advantage of Cash for Caterpillars.
This program lets you take that depreciating capital asset off your books, and helps put you into a brand-new depreciating capital asset. Of course, Caterpillar (CAT) is going to be the big beneficiary here at taxpayer expense. But as someone once famously said, “As Caterpillar goes, so goes the country.” Or was that GM?
3 Cheap, Recession-Busting Stocks to Buy Now
-
Cash for Fashion
Bouncing around town in out-of-date suits or dresses? Are you wearing shoes that are just oh so last season? Well, don’t worry, the new Cash for Fashion program can fix that.
Simply take your old, outdated suits, shirts, blouses and slacks to your favorite retailer — along with your voucher from the government — and you can don the latest in sartorial splendor.
After all, isn’t it better to look good than to feel good? With the Cash for Fashions program, you can do just that. And just think of what it will do for the bottom line of Macy’s (M), Dillard’s (DDS) and Saks (SKS).
3 Cheap, Recession-Busting Stocks to Buy Now
-
Cash for Airfare
Have you traveled lately? If so, then why not jump on another big ol’ jet airliner with the help of the Cash for Airfare program. Just take that old ticket stub you purchased earlier this year, along with your government voucher, to your favorite participating airline and get a big discount off your next getaway.
Not only will you be helping stimulate demand for companies like American Airlines (AMR), Southwest (LUV) and United Airlines (UAUA), you’ll also get to go back to your favorite vacation spot for another round of rest and relaxation.
3 Cheap, Recession-Busting Stocks to Buy Now
-
Cash for Appliances
Our final “Cash for” program is perhaps the best one of all. It’s called Cash for Appliances. Using money provided in the recent stimulus bill, the Department of Energy could make available about $300 million in rebates to customers who trade in older appliances — such as refrigerators and dishwashers — for new, more efficient appliances carrying the Energy Star label. This would not only help spur demand for appliance retailers like Sears (SHLD) and Best Buy (BBY), but it also would stimulate appliance manufacturers like Whirlpool (WHR) and General Electric (GE).
Oh, wait a second, this Cash for Appliances thing isn’t satire? You mean this program is actually for real? Say it isn’t so!
Thomas Paine is an author, radical, inventor, intellectual, revolutionary and one of our nation’s Founding Fathers. He fears that the reality of these “Cash for” programs could be the beginning of the “times that try men’s souls.”
The Great Dividend Sham — Are you looking for yield in all the wrong places? Before you make another single high-yield investment, you must read this.
